Self-styled Guru Wankers

Some people seem to think that referring to somebody as a 'guru' is a compliment, I think that it has most definitely become an insult. Not because the definition of the word isn't itself complimentary, but because it has long been hijacked by people calling themselves a 'guru', normally people trying to sell a shit poor-quality $97 eBook which promises to make everybody who buys it really rich. Somebody once called me an 'Internet Marketing Guru' on Hubpages, and to be honest it made me cringe. Mainly because I am small-fry in a world full of rich and successful marketers - I merely scrape a professional wage and just like working from home because it means I don't have to get cold walking to work in the winter - but also because no self-respecting person would ever call themselves a guru. Sociopaths aside. Most of the moderately-successful Internet Marketers (e.g. $30000 - $150000 per year) that I converse with regularly have fallen into the game because they just hated their real jobs and never truly feel like an expert.

Guru's make a living pretending to be super-knowledgeable about a certain area, generally one which involves sack loads of filthy dirty cash. Only, they aren't experts at making sack loads of filthy dirty cash, otherwise they wouldn't be calling themselves a guru and trying to sell you an eBook. If anything, they may be an expert in tricking you into believing that they are an expert in order to sell you a $97 eBook.

Guru wankers come in numerous different forms. They are all marketers, nothing more and nothing less. Only, they aren't trying to sell you a product of actual value - e.g. an Xbox 360, or a new designer handbag, but rather are trying to.sell you knowledge. Generally that knowledge will be useless, overpriced, and will break no new ground. The great knowledge, i.e. the knowledge that will actually make you cash, has either already been shared for free by the terminally stupid or is being kept under wraps by somebody who doesn't need to try and sell you a $97 eBook.

A few common types of online guru wankers:

AdSense Guru Wanker

These are the people who make a couple of thousand dollars a month through AdSense and then claim that they have some sort of magic system which will see you all make a couple of thousand dollars a month from one blog post a day. These people are not gurus, they just happen to own a website in a lucrative niche which the search engines took a shine too. Don't spend $97 to read their bullshit, spend that $97 on a domain name and a cheap hosting package. Mr AdSense Guru Wanker will never be in the UPS Club (a term given to those making so much from AdSense that their checks are delivered by courier, rumored to be $10000+ per month). The truth is, by the way, that AdSense is a far less than perfect method of monetization. I can make three times more money using affiliate networks than I can using AdSense ad blocks on two web properties with the same amount of traffic, no guru wanker is going to change that for me.

SEO Guru Wanker

These are people who claim to know everything about SEO and they delight in telling everybody that they do, not to tout for clients, but just to be known as an expert. Here is the truth about SEO..... it's not that difficult. This type of guru wants to become a guru in something pretty easy; is that even possible? It's just a bunch of basic principles which are devised from what people know about the Google algorithm, occasionally it changes when Google gets fed up with people gaming their system. If you are an SEO whizz you wouldn't be touting for $15 an hour gigs ranking other peoples web properties, you would (or at least should) be building and ranking your own content at #1 for lucrative terms and making thousands in affiliate commissions.

I did a bit of SEO consultancy for a while, because I'm pretty good at SEO, but it's hardly rocket science and working on other peoples web properties is 1) TEDIOUS, 2) FRUSTRATING, and 3) BORING. An SEO's CV should show a small list of his best current SERP's achievements. Ranking at #1 for the term 'Credit Card' would make you an SEO god, thousands of forum posts bleating on about how good you are at SEO will not. Pity the true SEO god however, his soul would be destroyed by the time he ranked on page 1 for a term like that. SEO is also an unregulated profession, there are no entrance exams, your oDesk optimizer is probably about as good as SEO as I am at singing. I'm terrible at singing.

Affiliate Marketing Guru Wanker

Now we get to the worst type of guru, the affiliate marketing guru. These hang around on the Warrior Forum trying to sell their next bit of black hat software or magic money making system. These are the ones who promise to make you exceedingly rich, after all.... the system works for them and they have made $50000 in the last couple of months. They don't explain how it is that they found the time during that couple of months to produce an eBook worth $97 of course! Affiliate marketing gurus ARE great at marketing, that's why they are marketing their useless product towards you. They ARE also intelligent, very intelligent, their sales copy is sublime. They would be flogging laptops and sunglasses like me, and would be successful at that, but they know that they can make more money selling thousands of copies of their $97 eBook. These people also know how to genuinely make money, they have so much that they bathe in it, they just wouldn't sell their real knowledge to you for $97. I am holding out hope that one day an affiliate marketing guru will write the eBook How To Make Thousands Selling $97 eBooks To People Who Want To Make Thousands. That is pretty much what they are doing.

Guru's Guru Wanker

The final type of guru wanker is the type of guru wanker that teaches you how to become a guru wanker. They run pyramid schemes / ponzi schemes, oh I mean 'Multi-Level Marketing Ventures', in which they recruit new guru wankers to become guru wankers themselves, who then recruit guru wankers, to become guru wankers, who recruit guru wankers, to become guru wankers, a process which continues until there are no new guru wankers being recruited. At this point the top guru wanker will walk away with millions of dollars, and the rest of the guru wankers in the pyramid start writing online about how they lost $15000 to a guru wanker, turned to drink, lost their wife and job, and then proceed to tell you why you shouldn't become a guru wanker.

Are often just people who don't want to make a living offline, they are accountants, estate agents, shop owners, anybody who got bored of their job and fancied a change, or even students making some dosh to get themselves through uni. The majority of people who make a living online just get on with doing just that, without trying to create a name for themselves as a self-styled tosser. If you want to make some money online and don't have a product or particular skill to sell (e.g. graphic design), here are your options:

• Become a guru wanker (and sell sand to the Arabs)
• Become a website owner / webmaster (and monetize appropriately)

If you become a webmaster and build up some decent properties you can also develop the skills necessary to become:

• An SEO Consultant (using your biggest successes as a resume)
• A hardcore affiliate marketer (owning hundreds of profitable websites)

Or you can get in deep and learn the skills required to become:

• A web designer (involving actual talent and flair)

If you become a Guru Wanker you can progress to:

• Infamous Ponzi scheme wanker
• Convicted fraudster
• Habitual liar
• Class A Tosser